traci.catastrophe

I'm pretty bummed out about a lot of shit.
Someone throw something posi this way.

Like I'm so concerned about him now, its ridiculous. It's funny how I care so much about some people that have given me nothing but disrespect for the past long while. But I still love him so much. And wouldn't wish his state on anyone. I really just wanna go home, and wrap my arms around him, and remind him that I still love him, and that I'm there for him.
Some people just got life so hard.

I'm not a prayer, but babe, I'm praying for you to get through this. Just please hold on.

I've done a lot in the past year of being 19. But my hugest accomplishment was becoming genuinely happy.
I have Joshua James MacKay to thank for that. Making me realize I need to live my life. It's a working progress, but I'm definately on the right track.

In the next year, I plan on going back to school. Going on many more roadtrips. Becoming more independent. Hanging out with all the amazing friends i've made and kept.

I went to Syracuse yesterday, it was ok, I didn't enjoy the show as much, but I enjoyed the hangouts, and brand new rockouts on the car on the way up. I also ate taco bell for the first time in my life.

I start a new job tomorrow, with better kids, which means better times obviously.

For those of you that don't know, I'm gone to Montreal now.
Those who I will miss, know it. Other than that, I'm soooo
stoked to leave PEI.

Maybe see you again soon, maybe not.
xo. fuckers.

Keep in touch. And if you want to call my cell.
1-514-386-7626-626-8860 (for serious)

Can describe how fucking unreal I feel right now!

WHY MY KITTY RULES AT LIFE!

[+] she winks at me
[+] she watches t.v. with me, and when someone she doesn't like comes on, she scratches the screen.
[+] she jumps
[+] she runs sideways
[+] she is the friendliest yet weirdest kitty ever alive
[+] when she is hungry in the mornings that I sleep in she sleeps on top of me, or on my face until I wake up and feed her.
[+] when I sing, and sits and stares at me
[+] when I cry she kisses my nose.
[+] she is more needy than I am
[+] she is beautiful.
[+] she has a weird kink in her tail from when she was a baby, and someone slammed her tail in the door.
[+] she sleeps with me everynight. and gets mad when other people sleep in my bed.
[+] when i'm not home she sleeps in the computer chair waiting for my arrival
[+] SNEAKY! she waits by my apartment door, so that when I open it, she runs and hides.
[+] she eats flowers.
[+] she doesn't mind that I call her fatso, even though she is losing weight, and isn't that fat.
[+] she is my princess.
[+] she loves getting her belly rubbed.
[+] she follows me around my apartment, and when I go downstairs, she tries to stick her paw under the door, and come with me.
[+] the only boy she likes is Jordan, AKA she has nice taste in boys.
[+] when i make my bed she hides under the blankets and thinks no one can see her
[+] she hides under chairs and swats at peoples feet when they walk by

I LOVE HER.

Last night was REEEEEDICKULOUS! starting off with a croosh hangout sesh with moynagh. making fun of cops. then rebecca picked me up and we went to katies to get the f'n party started.
I recieved loads of compliments all night last night. about how awesome i am/look. HOLY FUCK YAH.
i drank wicked quick. then we headed to the bar.
I ROCKED OUT.
I saw fucking GORGEOUS dude. why does he have to be so gorgeous and such an asshole. LIKE SERIOUSLY.
THEN. joey made fun of me, cause this fuckin fagger kept falling into me while moshing so hard to so NOT hard shit. and i through him across the dance floor.
joey then confessed his love for me.
TOTALLY FOUND OUT THE MOST RIDICULOUS NEWS. HOLY SHIT.
Then Becca and I had a dance party all by ourselves, because everyone was downstairs. WE ROCKED THE PLACE.
I couldn't hold my beer. and kept freaking out thinking I was gonna drop it.
THEN. i got told off by some dude. that said I ruined his night, i laughed at him and told him to stop being a fagger, and not to talk to me, unless he started to dress better.
THEN. me and rebecca are waiting for joey, freestyling our mad fuckin skills (AKA i was singing blackalicious) on this pole. and some dude in a wheelchair grabs my leg. and goes "you have a nice ass"!!!!
HELLLLO. i have NO ass. but then I got all creeped out. and made rebecca come with me to talk to BEAUTIFUL BOY(different than GORGEOUS DUDE) LIKE SERIOUSLY some people have to stop being so stunningly beautiful and well dressed. he picked me up and spun me around, and kissed my hand. AKA we were so loaded. I love running into him though cause he makes me feel like a princess. HIS BROTHER HAS THE SAME EFFECT. who I ran into on thursday.
THEN I SAW JOSHS. his hair is totally hott again. and all done up.
THEN SAW DOUCE..
Got evil looks from girls. HA!
AND LIKE OTHER PEOPLE THAT I TOTALLY CAN'T REMEMBER.

OHHHHH! MDOT!!! I saw Laura, and after she complimented about how BEAUTIFUL I AM, she wouldn't shut up about you, she really wants to hang out.

OH YEAH. i got my picture takin by some girls. I TOTALLY THINK THEY JUST WANNA BONE ME, and took my picture cause I'm hott.

I THEN called Moynagh.. and I really don't know what I said. But it was good times.
AND NICOLE CALLED. I LOVE HER

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!! <3
FAMILY EASTER DINNER = LETS GET WASTED!
no joke. my family is getting wasted instead of having a big family dinner.
how much does that RULE.

PS. it's really time to throw the towel in winter. because today I am going to my COTTAGE with my family in my flipflops. HELLLO SUMMER WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

PPS. Last night was so awesome. BECAUSE not only did I talk to/see most of the most beautiful boys in PEI. But all night, people kept telling me things that made me happy. AKA. how pretty i looked, how much they loved me, how i was losing weight, etc. SO THANK YOU FUCKERS. I LOVE YOU TOO.

6 months and 13 days since I last laid my eyes on you, and since I last told you I loved you, you held me in your arms, and said everythings gonna be ok... Well its not ok now.. It seems the closer I hold you to my heart, the farther you go away from me.
You took me with you. I feel fuckin dead.

Someone please make me feel like I'm worth something, and I'm still here for an actual reason.

k thanks.

life sure does get frustrating when you love someone(let alone everyone) and its impossible for the love to be given back.
5 days short of 3 months....
and i still can't deal.




TO ALL MY FRIENDS, PRESENT, PAST, AND BEYOND, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO WEREN'T WITH US TOO LONG, LIFE IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING YOU CAN LOSE. WHILE YOU WERE HERE THE FUN WAS NEVER ENDING, LAUGH A MINUTE WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

JOSHUA JAMES MACKAY THIS ONES FOR YOU

EVER GET THAT FEELING YOU CAN'T GO ON, JUST REMEMBER WHO'S SIDE IT IS THAT YOU'RE ON, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS WITH YOU TIL THE END. IF YOU'RE EVER IN A TOUGH SITUATION WE'LL BE THERE WITH NO HESTITATION, BROTHERHOODS OUR RULE WE CAN NOT BEND.

WHEN YOU'RE FEELING TOO CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM, YOU KNOW WHO IT IS YOU CAN COUNT ON, SOMEONE WILL PICK YOU UP AGAIN, WE CAN CONQUER ANYTHING TOGETHER, ALL OF US ARE BONDED FOREVER, IF I DIE, YOU DIE, THATS THE WAY IT IS.

DUDEBRAHMANG.
seriously best mood ever today slash right now.
i'm making a new dance and singalong like its karaoke night cd.
my dad made fun of death metal bands all through supper tonight, because he is mixing sound for one of the bands. he thought it would be funny to change all the frequencies and make them sound like chipmunks, I LAUGHED AND AGREED. ATTN ALL DEATH METAL BANDS, LET MY DADDY MIX YOUR SHIT. ALSO. tonight daddy told me, that he is making a new cd, and he wants me to sing all the tracks. ROCKMOTHERFUCKINSTAR in DA HOUUUUSE.
COLDOTNERD and i talked today, ACTUALLY TODAY = NON SHITTY BROAD DAY, i talked to like 7 UHMAZING BROADS that feel just like me. FUCK YEAH(note to ian)

this weekend was pretty chill. friday was deano/major/jordo singalong and get wasted fest in my room for a lil while. saturday was blah, but lots of cuddling action.
I AM GONNA WATCH THE 3 STOOGES CARTOON TONIGHT. HOLY I"M EXCITED.

RIP DAS.
fuckin tear.

I fuckin rule at making my boyfriend presents. hello miss craft.
too bad my computer also rules at being a fucktard and not letting me print the stuff i need printed.

I ENJOY LIFE.... SERIOUSLY.
also, note to fucker that date rape drugged my little cousin. IMA gonna fuck YOUR SHIT UP.

sincerely.
THE POSINATOR.

OH MY GOODNESS! my lil moegy! i feel so bad for her. i NEED TO GO TO S'SIDE ASAP! k thanks... seriously

in other news! my favorite boy came to visit me not once, but 2 times today! YES! i know sometimes i act really lame. and not excited to see him, or i'm just being ridiculous, and not showing how much he makes me happy, because believe me, he is the only thing holding me to sanity at the moment. SAWWWWRY. i just still really miss josh.

i rearranged my room and now it is not only more spacious, but there is better spooning session/movie watching areas. AND I MADE A REALLYT CUTE VDAY PRESENT FOR <3 BOY <3

whats with the new chain reaction of break ups! PLEASE STOP. be happy, and do it!

tonight i get to sleep alone for the first time in a while. eeeeeeee!
TODAY IS MY DADDYS BURFDAY! YES HAPPY BURFDAY DADDY! mom threw a mini surprise party for him. and didn't even tell me! SHEESH. holy stamp rejected on my forehead.
CAKE TIME.

Well this week has definately turned out to be ridiculous!! mdot moved her ass home from Oakville, and its been a constant ridiculousness since then. HOLY F.
I've been way lame rather than way fun lately, and i apologize to everyone, I just have too much on my mind, and no one that i really feel all that comfortable with to talk to....
HOLY COW BATMAN! seriously i'm soooo excited for thefullblast and scoot and them to come. this is the only thing that is keeping a smile on my face.
OH and my new roomate mdot who hasn't left my bed in days. and my wonderful boy. who is too uhmazing for words. but i wish i could find them sometimes.

YESSS brownies! mdots mom made me brownies the other day. i ate wayyyyy to much junk food this weekend. SICK!
BUT ON A SERIOUS NOTE. i need to get WAYYYYY loaded this week/weekend, because my party mode is being too low. I need to pump this shit up! and show my 902 lush crew RESPECT.

tomorrow we get a new couch! YES!

HOLY COW BATMAN! march is gonna be the best month EVUR! LIKE I"M LOSING IT SOOO BAD
not only are my fave band THE FULLBLAST coming to hotactionparty it up with me! BUT I JUST RECIEVED AND E-MAIL FROM SCOOOT! and they will arrive 3 days later!
MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE!
YESSSSS everything is AWESOME IN MY LIFE! YESSS!

i had a pretty ok weekend, although i haven't been feeling well, and was (NOTE WAS) convinced that i was going to die from the flu. BUT I AROSE THIS MORNING TO 2 things that i love. NO MORE TUMMY ACHES. and JAKOB home again! YESSSS.

last night i went to the movies with a pretty boy. YESSS. we saw the butterfly effect, UNREAL! and i also saw my other mommy, and sister, AND THE PRETTIEST COUPLE IN EASTERN CANADA.

but for now i have to go shake it around my room. so i will update more later.
EX OH EX OH!!!

Never forget the time you made me feel alive
When death was on my mind
Or when you held onto me
When the world let me fall behind
You were love to me rather than just a word
A friend was all you were
And it changed my heart
Stood next to me through the storm
Felt the wounds and kept me warm
Something I had never seen before
And I thank you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox <3<3<3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

PLANS FOR TODAY. maybe hang out with jordoface. hopefully.
make my room creamtastic! and clean the house up a lot! hopefully the boys have already started. ZAKKIE FACE might come have a play date with me as well. which would be ever so superb. I WANT TO GO SEE NETTIE. HOLLLLLY COW. i miss hanging out with lots of people i used to.
leebot and my love elysse made me feel ever so much more superb yesterday! my heart beats in breakdowns for those 2.
there are just some people that no matter how much time goes between conversations/crucial hang out sessions my love still grows for them every minute.

today seems like a crafty day. I WANT TO GO HOME... NOW. please and thank you.
tomorrow trivia?! maybe, we will see how the day goes, and how lame my rents are being. which will probably be really lame, because thats how they've been lately. SO in conclusion, i think that I will make them some crafty present in which they return lots of love towards me. YESSSSS!

PS! arts guild back in action, hopefully it won't turn into shit. and rock.
I WANT MORE BRITE PURPLE CLOTHING. and i also want more blank tshirts so taht I can make new shirts.

K THANKS.
HEY DEANO RICARDO. lets get hammed this weekend.

love always,
the spacecase

Yesterday was pretty chill! I stayed in the peejays alllll day. i slept wayyyy too much. but makes up for my 12 hours in 3 nights! partay!? not really.
DEAR KLARGE, where is my date?! like seriously?!

OH MY GOODNESS HOW COULD I BE SO SILLY! I DEAD serious have to thank everyone for coming to the show on saturday, it was the most unreal show of the year for sure! We had soooo many people, and most of the bands played the best sets I've seen. Kids were so into it, and we had a turnout of over 220, even though the limit was 180! YESSSS!. we made 350$ just in donations for josh's family, and well over 1000$ for the show, but because the mackenzie is a union theatre, it is gonna cost almost that much to rent it. SO IN CONCLUSION... THANK YOU. and to all the shitty dudes who didn't show up. BOO-URNS TO YOU

I have the best roomates evur, like dead serious. They are the best brahs you could ever want. when it comes down to it, and I complain, and shit, because i mother them like something crazy. which gets a little bit frustrating because it takes away from my party life, and excitement, but really, they are the glue taht holds my life together.

MANNNNN my broads came up on saturday too, but they were being totally lame and went back to s'side. BUTTTT beth is coming up this week. and FUCK that makes me ecstatic! like crazzzzzy. shits gonna be chill yo!

ODE TO FRIENDS. i love you guys so much, some people you wouldn't even realize that I love so much, and do so much for me without even knowing it. I wish that I was better with verbal appreciation because I want you to know how much I love you.

today is a pretty lame day. very lame.

CUDDLECORE?!

Well tonight is the show for my baby! Bob just sent me a bunch of pictures of him, and now i'm being emo and crying behind my computer screen. LAME!
I have bball for wayyyy to many hours today. LAME!
I just wanna sleep, my whole f'n body feels dead, and tonight apparently is a huge slumberparty at my house(with people i don't care to slumber with). LAME!
I forgot to call back my best friend last night, and I feel like I can't express how I feel towards anyone, because the people I care about most I keep pushing away, and pretending I don't care. Or just not being there for some really good friends. LAME!
I'm sorry for being a lameass, and I wish that I could just say or show how I feel, but I'm f'd. not really. just wayyyyy scared of getting hurt </3 EDIT! EDIT! posi time! I saw a boy last night with the prettiest hair HOLY COW. As I said to Moynagh yesterday, I have an obsession with boys with pretty hair. All boys should have to get hair styled daily or DEATH! I don't know if I wanna go to brennans tonight, although I do want to see people* *people meaning like the one person that i like. DEAR ELJAY GOD, please send me nicole as a late christmas present. I don't like her being in halifax. K THANKS OHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOLLLLY F MAN! tonight i get to see, EVERYONE. this will get me through my day, because seeing mely and moegy, and TYLER, and allll the boys. minus hughes because he is lame, and staying in hALI, NOTE TO SELF CALL HUGHES AND TELL HIM TO HANG OUT WITH G/F NICOLE. Josh's mommy is coming to the show. I hope that everything goes smoothly. BOOZE GIMME DEAR JAKOB YOU ARE AN AWESOME BEST FRIEND. I am ever so lucky, because I have the most amazing list of best friends! like you all should be soooooooo jealous! BUT now i have to go to work. please call me... please &heart

DEAR JOURNAL!
things are looking better on my behalf! i went shopping yesterday and got some AWESOME STUFF FOR ME. because I"M awesome.
Last night was good. but i am lame. i really wish that i would get over this phase in my life. DEAR LAMENESS GO AWAY. I ALSOOOO! got to see my wonderful jillface, she was soooowasted. and sooo pretty! i miss her
I didn't get to drink lots, because i was being a fashion consultant at the mall!

copeland is killin me today! last night i wished on a star, while i couldn't sleep! i hope that it will come true.

DAWSON'S CREEK IS ON! HOLLLLY F. i can't wait for saturday, i just want to see all my broads, and fuckin dudes! i just wish i could be with them alllll the time.
DEAR JAKOB, please stop hurting yourself, and leaving puddles of blood on our floors and walls. K THANKS.
DEAR NICOLE. HELLO GIRL COME HOME
DEAR ASSFACE BEING MEAN TO MY BEST FRIEND. grow up. seriously. you treat her like shit anymore than you already have, and i will drive to oakville to kick you in the nuts, and cut off your dick. MY BABY DESERVES THE BEST. and you don't even deserve the shit on my shoe.

DEAR CRUSH <3<3<3
I got to see joshS. I havne't seen him in a while, and he slept at my house last night, and when i woke up this morning he had no blankets, so after cleaning my DISGUSTING house, i covered him in millions of blankets.
HOLLLLY COW I'M SUCH A MOM.

jordan nicole and my band is gonna KILLLLL. not only the HOTTEST band. but like whoa! sosososo good.

THINGS THAT I NEED ASAP
1. NEW BROADS TO HANG OUT WITH, since my only one is in halifax for the next 7 months. FFFF
2. GOOD MUSIC TO LISTEN TO
3. SPOONING SESSIONS
4. NOT TO LOSE TWO BEST FRIENDS in ONE WEEK!
5. CRUSH TO STOP BEING LAME.

k thanks!

On another side note, I feel really f'n alone. Seems like everyone I get close to, leaves me. Either forever, or for periods of time. So I'm being really anti social, to everyone. SO I apologize for being lame.

I'm doing an uh-mazzzing job pretending like nothing has happened, and like I'm ok, because thats what people are happy with, they like knowing they don't have to worry about me, so don't. But i'm not ok.

I am actually not doing as badly as expected but I'm sure I will be a HUGE trainwreck after the funeral, because to me its just as if he is still in Edmonton.
Yesterday I went to Halimafax with Neeky, and I got a really cute skirt, which I am about to add pink ribbon to and a little bow.
BUT THE HIGHLIGHT WAS DEFINATELY SEEING THE LOVES OF MY LOVE. ROBINA, LINDSAY KILLIN! AND F"N SCOOOOOT!. i would like to apologize for being lame, and not staying. I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT! AND WILL MAKE YOU PRESENTS!
DEAR CRUSH. please kiss me tonight, k thanks
ALSO nicole is getting her nails done and i'm overlly jealous, i want pretty gel tips.
DEAR POSICOLE. you are befriended my dear. we are now posi buddies again!

RIP baby. i will love you forever.
<3 josh <3

DEAR PERSON WHO KEEPS BREAKING INTO MY FN HOUSE,
please stop breaking into my house when i'm home, you are really starting to creep me out. but i'm too scared to find out who you are. 3 times in 5 days! LIKE REALLY! you don't even steal anything.
i thought being alone for the holidays would be fun...